


lo siento

by ironccap



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Palermo needs a hug, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, he is just so fucking sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-24 18:41:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20019208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironccap/pseuds/ironccap
Summary: berlin got shot dead the last day of the heist.palermo doesnt deal well with the news.





	lo siento

dear diary

god, i cant believe im doing this. am i really that fucked up i have to write this shit down now? as if thats gonna change anything. but, its required. its either this, or getting locked up somewhere with some psychos.

they gave me a therapist, after i had a little accident. well, they called it a suicide attempt. whatever. i'm still alive. hooray.

i'm gonna be completely honest here. i wish i was dead. i wish sergio wouldnt have found me here so i could have just bled to death. but life doesnt always go the way you want it to, i guess. you should know. you had a lot of shit happen to you. they basically told you you were a lost case when they diagnosed you. so you said fuck it, and decided yourself when it was time to go.

andrès, _mi amor_ , you were always so strong. i admired you because of that. you never let your emotions get in the way too much.

i know we always said we were like two sides of the same coin. but not when it came to emotions. you were calculating, showing just enough emotions to make people believe you loved them enough, so they stayed. i'm not saying thats a bad thing. sometimes it's a necessary thing, to survive.

me, i was nothing like that. i always loved too much, too hard. i was a modern day icarus, really. because in the end, my wings broke off as well, and i collapsed.

i loved you, andrès. you were my soulmate. my other half. i wanted you. not only sexually. i wanted you in so many different ways. i always wanted you to have my heart. to keep it safe with you. i think that, in the end, you actually took it with you. it would explain the hollow, empty feeling in my chest.

it is now 2 in the afternoon, and i am already on my forth glass of scotch. pathetic? maybe. but its not like theres anyone here to judge me. or take care of me.

 _you always did_.

remember that one day, when we had a bit too much to drink? you probably don't. but i do. it was the first - and only, for that matter - time you kissed me. you were drunk off your ass actually, and i was sober enough to remember, but also drunk enough to not care about stopping you. maybe i should have stopped you. you didnt know what you were doing. it wasnt fair. but i was so desperate, and so in love with you.

 _i still am_.

so, you kissed me, the full five minutes. and god, it felt like heaven. the way your soft lips touched my chapped ones, the way your tongue poked at my bottom lip, begging for entrance, the way your arms went to my hips, and the way my hands were in your hair. it were the best five whole minutes of my entire life.

and i wish i could just go back. go back to that day and not give you any booze, so it would have never happened. because the one thing worse than not being able to have something, is to have it for a really short moment, but then have it coldly taken away from you. it's a torture. it's like slitting your wrists and hoping for a paradise, for some rest, but actually getting a burning pain and ugly scars in the place.

lifes not fair. but has it ever been? didnt think so.  
_lo siento_ , andrès. im sorry. for not being able to save you. i would have. if i had been there. whatever it took me. it should have been me. out of all the people in the world they took you, to die. you didnt deserve that. you deserved to be happy.

you were my other half. and now? now, im falling apart. piece by piece. and nothing will ever fix me back up again. because you will never come back. i can pretend and think that you're still here, but thats bullshit. because you're not. you never will be here ever again.

fuck, how i wish i had told you sooner. maybe i should have told you how i felt after we kissed. maybe it would have changed everything between us. or maybe not. but i was a coward. still am a coward. a coward, too afraid to tell you. too afraid. afraid of losing you, andrès.

but look. i lost you anyway. what a cruel prank the universe played on me. maybe i deserved it.

i haven't really eaten anything since my attempt. i cant. i dont know how to. i get my food through some infuse.

i havent really slept either. since you left, i havent been able to do anything. i just exist. i wake up numb and go to sleep numb. life is pointless now. actually, i dont have a life anymore. they took my life away from me, by shooting bullets through its chest.

they say that time heals all wounds. that you move on, and that the pain will slowly dissapear. but i dont want that. i dont want to move on. i dont want to forget you.

so, i create new wounds. every now and then. gentle reminders to myself.

andrès. if you'd been here, then maybe you wouldve talked some sense into me. or you would have yelled at me for doing this crap to myself. or you would have laughed and we would have danced together again. maybe then, i would have been able to pull myself together again. to try and live again. we would have been so happy, together.

but, you're not here. and you never will be again. i'll never be able to feel your skin against mine again, to hear your laugh resonate through the entire building again, to feel your soft lips on mine again, to dance with you ever again.

because the worst has happened.

i lost you.

for good.

and you're never coming back to me again.

and yes, its too late now. but fuck it. fuck all of it.

i have never been more in love with anyone than with you.

and that's not even the worst part of this fucked up doomed love scenario.

the worst part is that

**_i dont think i can live without you._ **

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! 
> 
> twitter: @lcdpalermo


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